GONZÁLEZ: Hey everybody, it’s Ana. And you’re listening to Mosaic, a podcast about immigration and identity. It’s not about politics. It’s about people: your neighbors, the kids in our schools. It’s about how our immigration experiences, past and present, form an American Mosaic.

It’s been a while since our last episode. The first thing you might notice is that it’s just me-- Alex is now running the station’s bureau down in South County. But obviously, that is not the only thing that has changed between season one and two of this show. We’re still in the middle of a pandemic that has shattered what we all think of as “normal” and it’s hit the most vulnerable people the hardest, specifically low-income communities of color. Like Mikayla’s family. She’s the oldest of four kids and her parents are undocumented. For that reason, I’m using a pseudonym.

MIKAYLA: I'm from Los Angeles, California, first generation, low income. Both my parents are undocumented Mexican immigrants.

GONZÁLEZ: Mikayla is a student at Brown University, trying to finish the education she's fought for her whole life. In this episode of Mosaic, Mikayla has agreed to share that life with us as she straddles two very different worlds in the middle of a pandemic and tries to build a future despite it all.

GONZÁLEZ: In March, when Brown University decided to close and transition to remote learning, I was introduced to Mikayla, who, at the time, had just petitioned to stay on Brown’s campus. The end of college is a time of big decisions for anyone who's ever experienced it. But coupled with the pandemic and worries about her family, I wanted to see how Mikayla was able to balance it all. So, I asked her if she would be comfortable recording audio diaries and sending them to me, at least for a little while. What it turned into is this episode. For the next four months, Mikayla used her phone to send me updates -- sometimes once a week, sometimes once a day. I edited them a bit, but most of this episode will just be Mikayla telling her story.

MIKAYLA: So I'm recording this the week of April 20. And today is April 24. It's a Friday. It's been about a month and some -- I think about two weeks -- since quarantine officially started here on campus. It definitely was a lot difficult in the beginning, a lot more difficult to just find a balance between just relaxing and being able to do my work and concentrate on something that wasn't the Coronavirus and how it's been evolving and just how far away I'm from my family.

GONZÁLEZ: On April 24th, the cherry blossoms are blooming on Brown’s main green, and Rhode Island has just reported 437 cases of Coronavirus and 13 deaths in one day, a new record. Over 200 people have died from COVID-related causes. Mikayla is trying to keep herself focused on finals.

MIKAYLA: Luckily, I don't have any pressing assignments, any big final papers or any final exams until the next week. So it's all this anticipation of what's going to happen.

And then today, on Friday, I heard back from a position that I had applied for in the summer that is luckily still on... I honestly at this point had no hopes for what my summer plans would be….. But yeah, I heard back today. Got an interview scheduled for Monday. So I have to practice within the next few days and just make sure that I'm ready for that interview. So, we’ll see how that goes. But that’s it for this week.

Hi. So this is May 1st, about a week I think exactly a week since I last recorded... The semester’s coming to a close super fast. It just seems like everything that I had been waiting for at the end of the semester came together this week.

GONZÁLEZ: Still no word on the internship. Mikayla is spending all of her days in zoom classrooms, studying for exams, and writing term papers. And she has this looming worry about her housing and how she’s going to pay for it.

MIKAYLA: I just would really like to know where I’m gonna be in two weeks because on the 16th is the day of my last exam. That’s when I need to make a choice of whether I go home or not.

GONZÁLEZ: Mikayla is still in a dorm. But after the semester ends, she has to move out. If she gets that internship she talked about, she will be able to pay for an off-campus apartment for the summer. If she doesn’t, she’ll probably go back home to L.A. and break the lease that she signed back in January before the pandemic. Right now, she has no income, but she really does not want to go back home and have to rely on her parents.

MIKAYLA: But otherwise, again, I hope to hear back from the interview. I have two final papers and exams due this week. I got an extension for one. ..And yeah, oh my gosh! I forgot to mention: Mother's Day! Mother’s Day is next Sunday. I ordered from a small business for my mother. I'm excited for her to get that package when it comes. So yeah! Thank you.

So this is the audio recording for the week of May 11. And I would say that this week has been both very rewarding and one of the most, I think, difficult weeks I've had….I mean, I did have a lot of final papers this week, too. One take home final exam and one final paper, which was about 18 pages long….

GONZÁLEZ: Mikayla works all night on her finals and wakes up early the next day to finish them. She takes a nap later in the day and wakes up to a missed phone call. It’s the internship.

MIKAYLA: I call back. I was very nervous, I was shaking...This internship offered more than $5,000 for the summer. So it was just, at this point, it was, like, my only means of sustenance. So I called and she said, “Congratulations! You've got the internship.” I was so happy. So I immediately called my mother like, let her know what had happened. And we spent two hours, us just talking. It was a very good day.

GONZÁLEZ: So, Mikayla will be staying in Providence for the summer. Even though she’s excited to be paid to work remotely at a big philanthropy group, the distance from her family is getting more difficult. May 10th is Mother’s Day.

MIKAYLA: I just really felt bad that I haven't been able to be there for the longest time, and they probably weren't going to be able to go out . So I bought the flowers, and I sent it to her. And they messed up my order…. I just felt so bad. Like, my mother deserves more. I emailed the company back and I told them, like, “I had told you that I'm a student who hasn't been able to see her family in such a long time. And I wanted something for my mother, you know. And you give her this? And she deserves so much more.” [cries] Oh my gosh, I don't know why I'm getting emotional. But yeah, I explained to her I tried to just make her see, let her know that she’s still loved.

GONZÁLEZ: On May 15th, Mikayla finishes her final remote exam. She’s now officially a senior at Brown.

MIKAYLA: So now a dilemma is: tomorrow's may 16. I have a flight to go back home May 17. Going back home is just something that I was very skeptical about...Because if I did go home before my internship started, there isn't enough time for me to quarantine. And it's crazy to think that in my family, like, they don't believe in quarantine. They don't really believe in the pandemic, per se.

GONZÁLEZ: On the day Mikayla is recording this, Rhode Island has over 12,000 cases and close to 500 deaths. In Los Angeles county, where Mikayla’s family is, there have been over 36,000 cases of coronavirus and more than 1700 deaths. Mikayla’s family thinks she’s taking it too seriously.

MIKAYLA: Like, if I didn't go back home, they would take it very personally and think that I just didn't care enough about them to go visit them….I always, like, struggle with feeling guilty about doing something that makes me happy, especially during this pandemic because it is a danger. It is a public health hazard. But also, I really want to see my family. So it feels like a selfish choice, but I ended up booking the flight….

GONZÁLEZ: Mikayla Facetimes her youngest brother, who’s 3, to tell him that she’s coming home.

MIKAYLA: I told him, you know, “I’m going back home, I'm getting on a plane. I'm going to see you soon.” And his response to me was, “Am I going to be able to see you outside our door?” And I said, “Yes, I'm gonna knock on the door, and you're going to open it, and I'm going to be there.” He said, “Am I going to be able to hug you?” And I was like, “Yes!” This was breaking my heart. And he said, “Am I going to be able to hit you?” And I was like, “Why would you say that?” And he said “And then I'll say sorry, I promise.” ...And so when he said that, like I I did cry, because it meant that I had been far away enough that, like, it hurt him. And he knew that I was far away. But he also knew that he had a deep attachment to me and that he really loved me, and he loved the time that we spent together.

GONZÁLEZ: Mikayla departs early on May 17th to catch a 6am flight. She’s wearing a mask and gloves and tries not to touch her face or her clothes too much. The airport is empty, a little dystopian with a message warning travelers about social distancing measures playing on repeat. She manages to make it through security in time to board. Her dad and little brother pick her up at LAX.

MIKAYLA: So today's my first day back home. It is May 17, the night of May 17th. Coming home is always weird because it's super emotional for I think everyone in my family because we're just such a tight-knit family. And really in the US, all we have is our nuclear family. My uncles, my aunts, my abuelitos, my grandparents. Every other family member that's part of my mom’s or dad’s side is back in Mexico. So it's just weird because we were all emotional, we’re all just I guess happy, and it was very warm to see each other. But none of us really knows how to express it. Love is not a big thing in our family. I think my mom's only hugged me, like, four times. My parents don’t really show love to each other. Me and my sister don’t know how to do it, and when we do, we just cry. So, it was weird because it was super emotional. We just couldn't express it, in a way, so it always feels a little weird. But yeah, that was how I came home today.

So it has now been a week since I've been home. It is now May 24th, if I remember. The biggest takeaway that I've had since I've been home is that the pandemic here is kind of a facade...I think it's the same amount of people outside in Los Angeles if not even more. There is no lockdown. Everyone is just outside with a mask….I think it's actually more people outside of that I've ever seen before. [2:08]: my dad was telling me and my Tío that they don't really believe in the pandemic because none of the people that they know around them has been sick. And I just -- I don't think that's a good way to think about it.

GONZÁLEZ: The Coronavirus case count in LA county on May 24th is nearing 45,000. And over 2,000 people have died. The city still has stay-at-home orders in place.

MIKAYLA: But so yeah, so basically what we've done so far this week, stay home, I babysit. My parents, luckily, were able to go back to work. My dad went back to work. He works in Los Callejones in Los Angeles, which is basically the Fashion District. And that's where major companies like Fashion Nova, Forever 21 and others come to buy their items in bulk. And what they do is they take this merchandise from China or other developing countries, and they take out the tags from Los Callejones, the fashion district, and then they sell it at more than double the price to make the profit in those major retailers. So my dad's been working there since he came to the States, I think. And they don't really crack down on immigration there. But because it's very exploitative, they need workers who are just willing to work. It's a very hard business to be in.

GONZÁLEZ: Mikayla’s mom has work, too. She’s cutting hair at a salon, but she’s scared of being exposed to the virus and bringing it home to her family. Before the pandemic, her parents had talked about returning to Mexico, to be with the rest of the family and find work without fear. That’s on hold now. That’s some relief for Mikayla, who still has to foot the bill a lot of time. Like on this one day when she’s home visiting, Mikayla’s dad drives to work and parks in an open lot. It’s the cheapest option. While he’s working, someone goes on a rampage in the lot. Mikayla’s dad comes out to see his windshield is smashed. His insurance won’t cover it.

MIKAYLA: So I guess it's just devastating to see that my dad came back after having not worked for months, go back to his first week at work and have that paycheck and more out of his savings account have to go into the windshield. And so I have about $3,000 in savings that I have just for when I graduate. And I decided at this point that as much as I would like to have savings and have something to start with after I graduated, like, my parents, I think that they need it more. I was like, “I will not be taking that money. Take it. Use it for the car, Like, don't worry about it.” I guess his fear is that he thinks that I'm going to hold it against him or that I'm going to see him as a father that’s not as competent because he wasn't able to, to pay for anything in my college career... But I told him, and I think I was finally able to convince him of the fact that I can help him. That he sometimes they sort of accept the fact that he can, he can take my help or he needs help. And so that was what happened just in one day.

GONZÁLEZ: It’s not just money issues that force Mikayla into this awkward position with her parents. Sometimes her parents think of her as more responsible, more mature because she goes to an elite university. They look to her for answers about what's going wrong in their lives, making her another parent, in a way that makes her uncomfortable.

MIKAYLA: I think I'm the only one out of all the people that my parents know in the US, like the only kids they had in this generation that actually made it to college and didn't drop out, didn't like get pregnant, didn't you know, just go off the rails I guess…. And I feel like there's even though we all love each other, there's like some resentment there. And so there's just always a lot of like, tension in my family and I always am placed as the mediator or I hate it, but yeah, tomorrow's my last day. So we'll see how it goes. I’m so sad-- I don't want to think about leaving home. It's been so comforting. It's just been so warm --I don’t know how else to put it -- to be surrounded by my family members to just, you know, be home.

GONZÁLEZ: The goodbyes with her family are tough. COVID-19 is ravaging the country. On May 28th, the day Mikayla is recording this, the US surpassed 100,000 deaths from the virus. The future is unplannable.

MIKAYLA: So yeah. Leaving was hard. Said goodbye to my dad at night because he works two jobs. One of them is distributing newspapers for the L.A. Times. He wakes up at, like, 1:40. He has to show up there at 2. So, yeah, I said goodbye to him at night. But my mother, I don't think I've ever seen her cry when I leave in front of me. I think she cries afterward. But she cried this time. So me, my mom and my brother had, like, this dramatic “Ohhhh, goodbye.” And then they followed me down. My mom has never followed me down, never helped to, like, take my suitcase. She followed me to the elevator, followed me down, waited for the Lyft to come take me to the airport, and then didn't let the Lyft driver or me put my suitcase in the car. I guess she was super attached this time.

GONZÁLEZ: Mikayla pauses her recording. I think to cry. She makes her way back to Brown’s campus alone.

MIKAYLA: I know some of Brown’s dorms are constructed to look like a prison, but it literally felt like a prison when I came back home. Back to my dorm, I mean...I think it was just weird because it was like a feeling of emptiness. Like the emptiness that I thought I had always felt was because I thought I had like, no purpose. And I was like, “Oh no. I don't know where I'm going!” ...This is the first summer that I actually have employment that pays me...And so like today, I guess, like, I just sat and realized, like, I guess the emptiness is this. Because I have a job. I have more direction in what it is that I want to do academically. And I just yeah, it's just like this weird feeling of emptiness now.

GONZÁLEZ: Mikayla moves into her off-campus apartment and begins her internship. She’s settling into a routine. But the world around her is anything but settled. If you remember the first week of June, the world began reacting to the murder of George Floyd and countless other Black lives. She’s overwhelmed by the intensity of the debates she sees on social media. But she feels strongly that she needs to do something, take some sort of action.

MIKAYLA: And yesterday after work, I was able to go to the protests that was happening at Kennedy Plaza. Like, the days of this week in which you have just been walking around Providence had been, like, very ominous. We actually did have a curfew instated, like, a couple of days ago. A lot of stores just started boarding at their shops after some people had gone into Providence place mall downtown and just started looting. And the state capitol had military presence. Right at the statehouse in the balcony there was a very scary man all the way on the right side of the balcony that looked like a ninja. ...and there was a drone that just kept flying around. There was a helicopter that eventually came out. [crowd and helicopter sounds intensify: “If don’t want war, then get on your f**king knee!”]

GONZÁLEZ: I want to point out right here: the fact that Mikayla even went to these protests is remarkable and totally against how she was raised. She’s explained to me in other conversations that she was raised to be extremely fearful of the police and to avoid any interactions with law enforcement of any kind at all costs. That’s really common among undocumented people and their families. Contact with the police for even a perceived infraction could lead to ICE detention and even deportation. So, when the police start moving towards the protestors in Providence. Mikayla and her friends leave.

MIKAYLA: And it was just a very scary time. I ended up staying at my friend's house because it was past curfew, and I don't want to walk home even though it’s just a block away.

GONZÁLEZ:This fear, this culture of staying out of the public eye, not asking for help until it’s too late, this carries over into other aspects of life. It’s one of the reasons why the coronavirus has hit Latino communities so hard. Seeking medical treatment requires testing, paperwork, bureaucracy. Some testing sites even have the national guard at them. If you’ve lived your whole life hiding from authorities, why would a pandemic change that?

Mikayla’s experienced this fear too in other ways. Growing up, it was hard for her to get the help she needed to get into the colleges she wanted to attend. She had to speak up and look outside of her family. Now, when she’s figuring out what to do after college, Mikayla faces that same predicament.

MIKAYLA: I have been considering applying to a Fulbright in Mexico as an English teaching assistant.

GONZÁLEZ: A Fulbright scholarship is an incredibly prestigious opportunity, and it will give MIkayla a chance to live in and connect with her parents’ country, a place she’s only been to one time. Plus, Mikayla’s been teaching her whole life. When Mikayla was in kindergarten, she describes sitting at the kitchen table with her mom, as they both work on the same English homework, parsing through new words for hours. She runs the idea of the Fulbright by her dad.

MIKAYLA: And it just turned into a backlash in which he said that if I was – well A) first that common argument: Why would you go back to a country that we sacrificed so much to get you out of it? Blah blah blah, it's so underdeveloped. He said, basically, if you, at the moment, don't have the connections with all those rich people that you claim go to your school that it was basically my fault. It’s your fault to make those connections, and the fact that you're applying to this program is you scrambling to find something to do. And that just kind of really pissed me off because he thinks that me going to this school is going to secure me lifetime economic stability.

GONZÁLEZ: Getting a bachelor’s doesn’t work like that, even at a place like Brown. But Mikayla’s parents don’t know this. Mikayla blames this, in part, on differences in culture.

MIKAYLA: You know, in America, it's very individualistic and you pursue your passion, your career you do what is what it is that you want, you leave your family in a way to venture out and be your own person. But I don't know if this is more generally like Latinx culture and Mexican culture, which is my family's culture, but for them, it's communal. You know, one might leave the hive to pursue something but once their success or money there you come back and you bring it back to the family. There is no “You”. There is no individual. . And so with them, they think that the four years of me going to college across the country was enough. And after that, I'm going back home, I'm moving in with them. I'm getting a good job. I'm gonna become a millionaire. We are going to move. We’re all gonna move somewhere together, I'm going to buy them a house and move together. We’re all gonna stick together.

GONZÁLEZ: It’s not that Mikayla doesn’t want to stick with her family. But she's on a different path. One that takes time to plan and figure out. And talks like this make it clear that she has to figure out her next steps without the help of her family.

She decides to take a break from it all. The upcoming Saturday is a classic Rhode Island summer day: hot, sunny, gorgeous. Mikayla and her roommates take a day trip to Newport to see the mansions. She’s on the ferry from Providence, and she takes a selfie and sends it to her parents.

MIKAYLA: I was like, “Heading to Newport on a ferry!” And it wasn’t that they responded negatively. They're like, “You look so cute, like, have fun.” It was my dad sent me a picture of him and my brother selling clothes outside with like, a little small clothes rack in the fashion district where he works, which is like a little area next to skid row in downtown Los Angeles. But I know that he already has two jobs. And he said that he had been there since 4am.

I don't know, I felt selfish for having sent them a picture of me just going out and spending money. You know, just having fun when -- I don't know I'm getting so emotional --- when he already works a job from one in the morning to like 3:30 in the morning, and then works every other week day. Having to then get up from 4 in the morning to 12 every weekend and take my little brother with him [emotional sigh] I felt very selfish, just having taken that trip. It’s difficult.

GONZÁLEZ: That’s the end of June. Mikayla spends the rest of the summer figuring her life out. She applies to the Fulbright anyway. She’s doing typical college things, like learning how to ask her roommates to take out the trash more often. And, like every college student, she’s wondering what the heck is going to happen in the Fall with the pandemic still raging on. But for Mikayla, she won’t be able to afford her apartment if Brown is totally remote and won’t reimburse her room and board. She’s worried she’ll have to go back to L.A.

MIKAYLA: So I'm recording this now, my last one ever, on August 16.

GONZÁLEZ: As August arrives, things are looking up for Mikayla. Her internship ended and offered her a part-time job. And Brown announced that, even with an uncertain fall semester, she would still be getting her full refund for housing. So, now all that’s left to do is focus on senior year.

MIKAYLA: So, I guess the last stress I have this semester is with the choice of whether I take three classes, which is one less than the regular course load, or four. Because I don't know how I'm going to accommodate this working part time 10 to 20 hours a week. Like, it's a lot and for those reasons is why I decided to also stay here rather than go home because even though it would be nice to see my family I know that, whenever I go back home, I don't do anything. and I think it's smart to maybe just capitalize, even though it felt a little selfish, on the time that I have now to maybe just sit with myself and think about what it is that I want to do in the future. So that's, that's where I'm at: just taking these days that I don't have anything to do just to think about what I want to prepare for my future, what that might look like, and just remaining safe.

GONZÁLEZ: As of August 16th, the United States has had nearly 5 and a half million cases of coronavirus and seen over 170,000 deaths. In Rhode Island, there have been over 20,000 cases, and more than one thousand Rhode Islanders have died. Mikayla is not only taking precautions to keep herself safe from the virus, but she’s choosing to protect her future. And that comes at a cost: Every choice she makes that brings her deeper into the world of successful Ivy-League graduates moves her one step further away from her world in Los Angeles and the family she loves that raised her.

Mosaic is a production of The Public’s Radio. Edited by Sally Eisele. With production help from Aaron Selbig and James Baumgartner. Our theme music is by Bryn Bliska. Our intern is Michelle Liu. Torey Malatia is the general manager of The Public’s Radio. I’m Ana González: thank you for listening. If you want to learn more about the stories in Mosaic, visit thepublicsradio.org/mosaic. And, as always, subscribe to Mosaic wherever you get your podcasts.